Jecca ZaneOnce a cheater, always a cheater??
October 2nd 2006 02:37
I really want to touch on the cheating discussion and give my views.
Cheating can be described in many ways I guess..its up to the individual. I believe that any kind of contact with someone of attraction other than your partner is a form of cheating. That includes emailing, letters, coffees (in secret). If something is secretive then it is wrong.
There is the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I dont think that should be applied to all situations. how can you generalise or stereotype every human experience in such a way??
I tend to view cheating as being nothing to do with the victim. In other words, if someone cheats, its everything to do with them..their low self esteem, insecurity, disloyalty, unfaithfulness..it is in no way a reflection of the person being cheated on. It doesnt make them bad or wrong or inadequate as a person. Cheating is random, as random as an attack on someone with a purse in the street, etc. If someone is a cheater, then it doesnt matter who theyre with...theyre gonna cheat if they wanna cheat.
If an alcoholic wants a drink, it doesnt matter what the liquor is.
On the other hand, I dont think that the cheater is a bad person either. Morally questionable, however. BUT why?? Why do they cheat?
Is it because it is a form of self sabotage because their esteem is so low they dont believe they deserve to be loved?
I am a past cheater. A self confessed cheater. Repeat offender...in RECOVERY.
Nothing pisses me off more than to hear someone say that alcohol is no excuse, that there is NO EXCUSE.
BULLSHIT!!
When I was younger, every time I drank, I cheated. Every time I cheated, I told my partner after I sobered up. I would cry for days and feel overwhelming remorse (yeah yeah, so I should eh??).
I was raised in an abusive home, never taught how to really treat people, how to love or be loved. I hated myself, the world and everyone and everything in it. I was a very desperate and sad individual. I could allow people to get close to me. I wanted to sooo bad, but there was something so deep inside of me that I was just simply unable to.
I sabotaged my relationships subconciously and I felt like a piece of shit.
The sad thing is, when I was repeatedly cheating on my partner, I was so accepting that i was powerless over my replusive behaviour that I left him. I left him because I loved him and wanted better for him. He wouldnt leave me and forgave me every time I cheated..but it had to come to an end.
I will live with the unending shit feelings over cheating on him for the rest of my life. I look back though, and I feel sorry for that young desperately suicidal girl. She is another person in another life.
I was 18 then. I am 27 now and have had a few relationships since then, and not once have I cheated, it has never even crossed my mind.
Yes, there are those of us that are serial cheaters, but look at our spiritual, mental and physical state..are we well people? Find a cheater and tell me that deep down theyre not fucked up in some way, whether large or small, obvious or not. What the hell do we know of that goes behind closed doors in people's lives??
Prince Charles..serial cheater? He cheated on Di..will he do it to horse face (Camilla)? Or was he simply devastated to be married to Di whilst being in love with Camilla?
Why the hell should we be branded for the mistakes we have made in the past for the rest of our lives?? Doesnt everybody deserve a chance?
As you all know, I am a member of a 12 step program used for the recovery of alcohol and other substances..step nine is to make amends to those we have harmed UNLESS TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS.
I have been agonising for two years over whether to make amends to the man I cheated on by letter..but would doing so injur him? Perhaps the best form of amends is to stay out of his life.
Im not one for ripping off the bandaid.
I dont cheat today. Am I a worthless, pitiless, repulsive human being not worth being loved or forgiven of my past mistakes and shortcomings?
Pffft, gimme a break.
It's not like an illness such as Paedophilia where there is little hope of rehabilitation. Its infedelity for Christs sake. Yeah, it breaches one of the ten commandments, but being Human breaches all of the bloody commandments.
That is all.
P.S I have also had the displeasure of being cheated on and I am well aware of the pain it causes..devastating pain.
Cheating can be described in many ways I guess..its up to the individual. I believe that any kind of contact with someone of attraction other than your partner is a form of cheating. That includes emailing, letters, coffees (in secret). If something is secretive then it is wrong.
There is the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I dont think that should be applied to all situations. how can you generalise or stereotype every human experience in such a way??
I tend to view cheating as being nothing to do with the victim. In other words, if someone cheats, its everything to do with them..their low self esteem, insecurity, disloyalty, unfaithfulness..it is in no way a reflection of the person being cheated on. It doesnt make them bad or wrong or inadequate as a person. Cheating is random, as random as an attack on someone with a purse in the street, etc. If someone is a cheater, then it doesnt matter who theyre with...theyre gonna cheat if they wanna cheat.
If an alcoholic wants a drink, it doesnt matter what the liquor is.
On the other hand, I dont think that the cheater is a bad person either. Morally questionable, however. BUT why?? Why do they cheat?
Is it because it is a form of self sabotage because their esteem is so low they dont believe they deserve to be loved?
I am a past cheater. A self confessed cheater. Repeat offender...in RECOVERY.
Nothing pisses me off more than to hear someone say that alcohol is no excuse, that there is NO EXCUSE.
BULLSHIT!!
When I was younger, every time I drank, I cheated. Every time I cheated, I told my partner after I sobered up. I would cry for days and feel overwhelming remorse (yeah yeah, so I should eh??).
I sabotaged my relationships subconciously and I felt like a piece of shit.
The sad thing is, when I was repeatedly cheating on my partner, I was so accepting that i was powerless over my replusive behaviour that I left him. I left him because I loved him and wanted better for him. He wouldnt leave me and forgave me every time I cheated..but it had to come to an end.
I will live with the unending shit feelings over cheating on him for the rest of my life. I look back though, and I feel sorry for that young desperately suicidal girl. She is another person in another life.
I was 18 then. I am 27 now and have had a few relationships since then, and not once have I cheated, it has never even crossed my mind.
Yes, there are those of us that are serial cheaters, but look at our spiritual, mental and physical state..are we well people? Find a cheater and tell me that deep down theyre not fucked up in some way, whether large or small, obvious or not. What the hell do we know of that goes behind closed doors in people's lives??
Prince Charles..serial cheater? He cheated on Di..will he do it to horse face (Camilla)? Or was he simply devastated to be married to Di whilst being in love with Camilla?
Why the hell should we be branded for the mistakes we have made in the past for the rest of our lives?? Doesnt everybody deserve a chance?
As you all know, I am a member of a 12 step program used for the recovery of alcohol and other substances..step nine is to make amends to those we have harmed UNLESS TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS.
I have been agonising for two years over whether to make amends to the man I cheated on by letter..but would doing so injur him? Perhaps the best form of amends is to stay out of his life.
Im not one for ripping off the bandaid.
I dont cheat today. Am I a worthless, pitiless, repulsive human being not worth being loved or forgiven of my past mistakes and shortcomings?
Pffft, gimme a break.
It's not like an illness such as Paedophilia where there is little hope of rehabilitation. Its infedelity for Christs sake. Yeah, it breaches one of the ten commandments, but being Human breaches all of the bloody commandments.
That is all.
P.S I have also had the displeasure of being cheated on and I am well aware of the pain it causes..devastating pain.
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Comment by LauraP
Looking back - clearly it was my exH hurting. it was his way of coping. No I don't think I'll be able to forgive him for that... but I do see it differently now.
Comment by Anonymous
I too have been cheated on and despite how i feel deep down about cheating..i feel for you. what a mongrel..makes it harder when theyre the father of your children too.
Comment by LauraP
Comment by Anonymous
You know I guess I could compare it to my resentment of my family, theyre all alcoholics. I know that alcoholism is a disease and I myself am in recovery from it..so I know the hopelessness of it. I know that alcohol takes away the soul of an alcoholic. However Its hard for me to not be bloody furious with my family and stop cutting them from my life.
I always say that loving an alcoholic is like trying to pat a ferocious dog. You see it and it looks so beautiful but as soon as you put your hand out to it, it attacks.
Thanks so much for your comments.
Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
Or maybe, we weren't suited to our partners in the first place.
Or maybe, we're just horrible people. If there were no consequences, we'd cheat as much as we could.
Every relationship is bombarded with temptation. There's always going to be that seemingly more attractive stranger that enters your life, and their existence is a test of your love.
I've failed my relationship through cheating, and my girlfriend has failed by cheating on me. We are back together now (is it a good or bad thing? We'll have to wait and see), and every day, that moment when we touched that other person flickers through our minds.
Comment by Anonymous