Jana PleytoIm eating my heart out..
September 28th 2006 21:55
I discovered food as a coping mechanism long before I discovered drugs and alcohol. I would have been about six- seven years old. I was growing up in an emotionally and physically abusive home and had suffered sexual abuse.
Today I am 27 years old and my need for food to fix emotional pain, happiness, anxiety, excitement, boredom and any other emotion (fill in the blanks) with the use of food is still very prime.
I have an eating disorder that today has been labelled as 'compulsive over eating'.
I have the ability to eat until I am laying on the toilet floor in pain, until I vomit, until I have intestinal problems.. though that has happened in a while.
It means that I eat when Im not hungry, I eat constantly, I eat anything and everything and I have no control over it. I am absolutely powerless over it.
I have dieted and lost weight, only to put it back on with excess. I have developed health problems such as Crohns disease because of my poor diet. I have an insulin resistance problem.
I try and I try and I try and I get nowhere. You name it, Ive tried it.
I have been from one end of the scale to another. I have been afraid of eating and underweight and I have been afraid of going an hour without food and obese.
It is the most painful disease I have ever suffered. It takes away who I am. I look at myself and I know that my outsides do not match my insides.
Today I am starting 'eating on demand'. It involves NOT counting calories or carbs or fat grams. It involves NOT constantly weighing myself (I weigh myself every morning). It involves ONLY eating when I am genuinely hungry and ONLY eating exactly what I feel like eating. It is going to be tough. I am going to have to journal all of my feelings each time I want to eat when I am hungry and this will help me identify danger times.
Man, its gonna be so freakin' hard. The hardest thing EVER. Giving up drugs and booze..well I dont ever have to touch them again. But foooood...you HAVE TO EAT.
Trying giving a cocaine addict a small amount of cocaine and telling them to have it in moderation..!!
I want so bad to believe there is hope for recovery from my eating disorder.
It consumes my every thought, I wake up in the morning and obsess about what i will eat for the day. The first thing I do before I even open my eyes is take notice of how my stomach feels so I can remember whether or not I binged the night before. It sucks.
Stay tuned.
Today I am 27 years old and my need for food to fix emotional pain, happiness, anxiety, excitement, boredom and any other emotion (fill in the blanks) with the use of food is still very prime.
I have an eating disorder that today has been labelled as 'compulsive over eating'.
I have the ability to eat until I am laying on the toilet floor in pain, until I vomit, until I have intestinal problems.. though that has happened in a while.
I have dieted and lost weight, only to put it back on with excess. I have developed health problems such as Crohns disease because of my poor diet. I have an insulin resistance problem.
I try and I try and I try and I get nowhere. You name it, Ive tried it.
I have been from one end of the scale to another. I have been afraid of eating and underweight and I have been afraid of going an hour without food and obese.
It is the most painful disease I have ever suffered. It takes away who I am. I look at myself and I know that my outsides do not match my insides.
Today I am starting 'eating on demand'. It involves NOT counting calories or carbs or fat grams. It involves NOT constantly weighing myself (I weigh myself every morning). It involves ONLY eating when I am genuinely hungry and ONLY eating exactly what I feel like eating. It is going to be tough. I am going to have to journal all of my feelings each time I want to eat when I am hungry and this will help me identify danger times.
Man, its gonna be so freakin' hard. The hardest thing EVER. Giving up drugs and booze..well I dont ever have to touch them again. But foooood...you HAVE TO EAT.
Trying giving a cocaine addict a small amount of cocaine and telling them to have it in moderation..!!
I want so bad to believe there is hope for recovery from my eating disorder.
It consumes my every thought, I wake up in the morning and obsess about what i will eat for the day. The first thing I do before I even open my eyes is take notice of how my stomach feels so I can remember whether or not I binged the night before. It sucks.
Stay tuned.
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Comment by LauraP
Comment by Anonymous
Hard work!
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
♥ya bunches
xoxo???