September 2006 - Eat Drink Snort

Eat Drink Snort

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Eat Drink Snort - September 2006

Next time lucky..??

September 29th 2006 23:43

So yesterday;s plan of eating on demand didnt go quite as planned. I seem to eat the most when Im at work. Im not ocmpletely happy there, and so I have resigned.
I will be taking the year off to focus on my study as its my last year next year..also will be focusing on my music.

I realised this morning that I have a huge fear of being at home on Xmas day..I was looking for somewhere to go so that I could avoid it. It just reminds me of how much I dont want to be with my family and how much I cant be with my family because theyre so damaging to me and they dont even know it.
So dysfunctional..drink their arses off and crtisize everyone and everything.

They constantly tell me how fat I am, how my arse if smaller than so and so or bigger than so and so. My grandmother actually used to encourage me to starve myself...

I have decided to really hone in on my recovery..I need to so bad. I havent read any of the literature from my 12 step program or even been to a meeting in weeks. I am feeling it. My overall attitude really sucks and my behaviour is really sucky.

God I cant wait to be teaching primary school children in two years..

LIVE THE LIFE YOU LOVE; LOVE THE LIFE YOU LIVE.

The worst part about our society today is that it is encouraged to work our arses off in jobs were not exactly happy in. I refuse to live like a robot, a slave to our fucked up ideas of what a good person is.
It takes more courage to live the life I want. it takes more courage to not work in a job Im not completely happy in and to invest time and energy into recovering from abuse and addiction. How will I ever be a useful member of society with anything to offer, otherwise?

Today I need to work my arse off to catch up on study and clean this house and wash the car..the garden needs tidying up too..(sigh).

Alcoholic attitude..all or nothing. I get overhwelmed and end up doing nothing so a friend suggested I make a realistic list of just some of the things I would like to get done and be sure to stick to it and not be so hard on myself if I dont get those things done. So I will do that..maybe.

Im procrastinating.

Wish me luck.

1. Eat on demand
2. Catch up on study
3. Clean the house

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Posted By: eatdrinksnort - Category: No Category

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Im eating my heart out..

September 28th 2006 21:55

I discovered food as a coping mechanism long before I discovered drugs and alcohol. I would have been about six- seven years old. I was growing up in an emotionally and physically abusive home and had suffered sexual abuse.
Today I am 27 years old and my need for food to fix emotional pain, happiness, anxiety, excitement, boredom and any other emotion (fill in the blanks) with the use of food is still very prime.
I have an eating disorder that today has been labelled as 'compulsive over eating'.
I have the ability to eat until I am laying on the toilet floor in pain, until I vomit, until I have intestinal problems.. though that has happened in a while.
It means that I eat when Im not hungry, I eat constantly, I eat anything and everything and I have no control over it. I am absolutely powerless over it.

I have dieted and lost weight, only to put it back on with excess. I have developed health problems such as Crohns disease because of my poor diet. I have an insulin resistance problem.
I try and I try and I try and I get nowhere. You name it, Ive tried it.
I have been from one end of the scale to another. I have been afraid of eating and underweight and I have been afraid of going an hour without food and obese.

It is the most painful disease I have ever suffered. It takes away who I am. I look at myself and I know that my outsides do not match my insides.

Today I am starting 'eating on demand'. It involves NOT counting calories or carbs or fat grams. It involves NOT constantly weighing myself (I weigh myself every morning). It involves ONLY eating when I am genuinely hungry and ONLY eating exactly what I feel like eating. It is going to be tough. I am going to have to journal all of my feelings each time I want to eat when I am hungry and this will help me identify danger times.

Man, its gonna be so freakin' hard. The hardest thing EVER. Giving up drugs and booze..well I dont ever have to touch them again. But foooood...you HAVE TO EAT.
Trying giving a cocaine addict a small amount of cocaine and telling them to have it in moderation..!!

I want so bad to believe there is hope for recovery from my eating disorder.
It consumes my every thought, I wake up in the morning and obsess about what i will eat for the day. The first thing I do before I even open my eyes is take notice of how my stomach feels so I can remember whether or not I binged the night before. It sucks.

Stay tuned.

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Posted By: eatdrinksnort - Category: No Category

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Welcome

September 28th 2006 13:02

EAT

My name is Shiann and I am a compulsive over eater.

DRINK

My name is Shiann and I am an alcoholic.

SNORT

My name is Shiann and I am an addict.

Perhaps writing will be what I do best..perhaps not.

I reside in North Eastern Victoria, attend university,work with children and have one of my own..on my own.

I am 27 years old and at times, very strange. Other times, half normal, half functioning.

This is my journey through recovery.

STRESS FREE IS NOT AN OPTION.

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